Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy

10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9. Oprah gives everybody a new car
8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7. Cheney threatens to shoot Treasury secretary in the face

6. Plans to fix economy in third term
5. Replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3. Ahhh somebody help... Cloverfield monster... Run for your lives!

2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?(ya think?)
1. Forget the economy why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?

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The Loving Husband...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, 'You can have her shipped home for $5,000 , or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.' The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?' The man replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'
Hey....It's Friday yanno?

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Stupidest Thing I Have Ever Watched

Is this not the stupidest thing you have ever seen? I swear, if men thought dogshit would help them get and maintain an erection they would eat it all day long!

Guys, give it a rest...

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Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2008

It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2008

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............
May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!

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Gotta Love It! New Government Seal

Official Announcement:

The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

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Colbert Roasts President Bush - 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner

Watch Video Here

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Bush humor is an International language

Jokes about President Bush are funny, right? Mostly because he’s an easy target, and it helps when he brings it on himself. Well Americans don’t have the monopoly on jokes about the President. North Korea is getting in on the act as well.

In a country where a joke about the political leader can get you killed, it seems it’s fair game when it comes to Bush.

During talks between North and South Korean military brass, a North Korean General started his speech by telling a Bush joke.

"I recently read a piece of political humor on the Internet called 'saving the president'," Lieutenant-General Kim Yong-chol was quoted as saying in pool reports from the talks.

He then retold the old yarn about Bush who goes out jogging one morning and, preoccupied with international affairs, fails to notice that a car is heading straight at him.

A group of schoolchildren pull the president away just in time, saving his life, and a grateful Bush offers them anything they want in the world as a reward.

"We want a place reserved for us at Arlington Memorial Cemetery," say the children.

"Why is that?" he asks.

"Because our parents will kill us if they find out what we've done."

No matter what language, or country, this is funny!

Read Story Here

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Try This Next Time - LOL!

Source: Carcinogenz

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Slide Down the Banister of Life

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .......... "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

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My life is murphy's law

My life is murphy's law
by Ev Nucci
My mother always said "the best laid plans of mice and men often goes astray." Hearing those words 8,199 times, I am convinced that every single time my life falls apart....my mother is up in heaven clicking her heels with the likes of Bing Crosby, Jimmy Hendrix, and the Grateful Dead just laughing her ass off!
Every once in a while I come across a Site that I like so well that I write about it here. A kind of Review, if you will. I love this Site.
Here is a woman that places something like this on her sidebar: About Me
Ev Nucci
I have 3 sons, two very bright and one was born with congenital heart and lung disease. This blog is devoted to SARCASTIC HUMOR and to write sarcasm into stories about my life. We fought with Doctors because they wanted to pull my son off of life support..and took him all over the world to keep him alive. Then fought the educational system because they were convinced he was retarded. I had A CHOICE...BE A WIMP...OR BECOME ONE TOUGH COOKIE. I don't tolerate cowardly behavior, ignorance, or pacificism. Courage in the face of crowds can be a tough thing to do. But its why my son is alive and can speak like a normal person. If you are sensitive to a STRONG woman, that's your problem. Walk a mile in my shoes to see and feel the pain and hatefulness of a son who is made fun of because he's different or never invited to other's homes. If you are sensitive to what I write...don't visit. This is sarcastic humor...and my release for the frustrations we deal with in having a son with special needs.
What more can be said about a woman who just puts herself out there for all to see. She is true to her word too. She writes with complete sarcasm, total irreverence and biting humor! You HAVE to go read her. I guarantee that you will be laughing until you have tears in your eyes when you do.
When you're done there why not go and check out her other Site too:
3 Legs 2 Dimensions
Photography for humor & fun. Clueless mechanically. Technologically challenged.
This is like taking an online vacation for the brain!

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Jon Stewart on the Bush Administration

"Good news for the Bush administration. Just one week after the outrageous Walter Reed medical scandal, that story is gone ... because there's a new kid in town. His name is 'Outrageous Fired Federal Prosecutors Attorney General Scandal'. Yes, in one week, it's been revealed the administration screwed over wounded vets -- the most revered people in America -- and lawyers -- the most reviled people in America -- proving they've got range." --Jon Stewart (Watch Daily Show clip)

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The Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

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Why Groundhog Day Should Be Outlawed

By Tom Purcell
The lovable little groundhog must be stopped.
You know Phil. Every Feb. 2, Groundhog Day, he is yanked from a tree stump in Punxsutawney, Pa. If he sees his shadow, his organizers allege, there will be six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, spring will be just around the corner.
Millions have enjoyed this primitive ritual for years, but now there's a problem.
Groundhog Day evolved from Candlemas Day, a Christian tradition commemorating the purification of the Virgin Mary. As this tradition evolved in Germany, it got ever more colorful.
Germans soon believed that Candlemas Day could also predict the weather. Somewhere along the line they began yanking a hedgehog out of a tree stump, and the tradition was born. When German immigrants settled in Punxsutawney in 1887, they brought the tradition with them.
Now we have a problem.
How, in this day and age, can any government body impose on our diverse society any celebration that has its roots in a Christian faith? Aren't the people of Punxsutawney providing their de facto support of one religion over the others? Isn't their outmoded event offensive to those who practice no religion?
Isn't this annual event, then, out of sync with the American tradition of separating church and state? If Santa Claus and Christmas trees are being banished in public squares, how can Groundhog Day not follow suit?
Groundhog Day is guilty of numerous other offenses. In Punxsutawney, the event is managed by a group of men known as the "Inner Circle." These are the fellows who wear top hats and tuxedos and yank Phil out of the tree stump.
As usual, it is the men who are exploiting a helpless little creature for profit and greed, and men who have kept women out of leadership positions within their Inner Circle clique.
The hypocrisy of these allegedly Christian fellows is staggering. They talk of how they pamper Phil. That he lives in a heated home and is fed delicious treats. But then they boast about one especially disgusting tidbit.
Phil has a harem.
The Inner Circle provides Phil with three nubile female companions to take the edge off his lonely bachelor existence. That's right, this band of middle-aged pimps is trafficking in "woodchucks of the night."
For these reasons, I cannot understand how, in these progressive times, such an offensive primitive ritual continues to be celebrated every year.
Sure, I understand that small-minded people believe such traditions enrich our lives and bring levity to the hearts of millions.
I understand that American traditions evolved from a hodgepodge of cultural influences, and that the best of them celebrate our common humanity.
But still, Groundhog Day as we know it must end -- or at least be drastically modified.
For starters, we must set Phil free. No innocent animal should be kept in captivity so that he can be exploited by greedy capitalists. We must release him back to his natural habitat immediately.
We can replace him with a less offensive living entity, such as a tree or shrub. Trees and shrubs cast shadows, too, and holding them in captivity is much more humane, since their roots keep them from roaming freely anyhow. (Perhaps we can call the event "Groundshrub Day.")
Most important, this event should be entirely secular. Any reference to the Christian past must be deleted from the official Web site. I was shocked to find such references on the existing Groundhog Day Web site.
I'm confident that if the men in the Inner Circle make these needed changes ­ and if they begin admitting women to leadership positions immediately -- the Groundshrub Day tradition will continue for many years to come.
If they don't the ACLU is likely to take these suggestions seriously and file suit within the week.

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The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:"

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
(Thanks Kat)

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Play: Cure the Cabinet

President Bush is suffering! He's got lingering war, leaky officials and unlucky poll numbers - can you find and remove the WORST problem in his cabinet?
When you post your score you'll become a TrueMajorityACTION member, and your score will be automatically posted on the site.

- The Oreo Cartoon-

Operation: Cure the cabinet-

Ben's demonstration on how crazy our nuclear stockpile has become.

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Well, for the first time, President Bush admitted we are not winning the War in Iraq. But he said today that we're not winning but we're not losing. To which John Kerry said, make up your mind!" --Jay Leno
"When the president gave an interview with the Washington Post earlier this week, this audio exchange came as a bit of surprise. [On screen: Bush: ...We're not winning and we're not losing]. ... Technically, the president is correct. We're not winning or losing because Iraq is in a Civil War. ... We can't win or lose that. It has nothing to do with us!" --Jon Stewart
"This sounds like a tabloid story but ... according to the Washington Post, former President Bill Clinton has received counseling for sex addiction. ... I don't think it went too well. Halfway through the first session he talked to his therapist out of a bra and panties. ... Actually, you know what would cure Bill of his sex addiction? Hillary!" --Jay Leno "
Big changes in Washington. ... Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, 'Uh oh.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, President Bush delivered his annual Kwanzaa message. The president said let's remember that Kwanzaa only exists because a guy named Kwan died for our sins." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush admitted we are not winning an Iraq. Sounds like Miss USA is not the only one who has sobered up. Speaking about Iraq, earlier today President Bush said we are not winning, we are not losing. Kind of what I'm doing right now." --David Letterman

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Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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“Pandora’s Carry-on” (Pandora at an airport security station.)

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Take Me Back to the Sixties!

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Abort, Retry, Ignore

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE commandBut got instead a reprimand:It read, "Abort, Retry, Ignore." Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.Carefully, I weighed my options.These three seemed to be the top ones.Clearly, I must now adopt one -Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore." With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,Praying for some guaranteeFinally I pressed a key -But on the screen what did I see?Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore." I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard.Luck was just not in the cards,I saw what I had seen before.Now I typed in desperation,Trying random combinations.Still there came the incantation -Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore." There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.And then I saw an awful sight,A bold and blinding flash of light,A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.The PC screen collapsed and died,"Oh no - my database!" I cried.I thought I heard a voice reply,"You'll see your data - nevermore!" To this day I do not know the place to which our data goes.Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.But as for productivity -Well, I fear that it goes straight to Hell.And that's the tale I have to tell -Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

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